So let me start with this...I know tomorrow is Thanksgiving and we should all be thankful for everything we have. I am very thankful for everything that god has given me in my life.
But its hard sometimes, cause I know there are other people that are less fortunate then us. But lately I have been having a rough time settling with my life right now. So to start I felt like the worlds worst mom this morning. Poor Christa, I just kept yelling at her...but in reality, its not really poor Christa cause she really has not been listening to me. I have been struggle to find a way to get her to understand me and listen. I've tried the time outs and go to your room routines, but they just don't seem to help. So I have sat down with her and explained my plan. I WILL start taking away things she likes to do such as tv, computer time, outside play time, etc. But even tho I explain this to her and I am gonna stick to it. I am one of these mothers that feel bad for ragging on her all the time. Its not always her, Maddi and Alexa are always getting to things and fight too. But all I feel like I do is yell, then when I actually sit back and hear myself, I think, this is not who I want to be. I don't want to be a family that just yells all the time. I mean I know I have to raise my voice to make myself be heard sometimes and it goes along with being a parent and disciplining them. But I just struggle to find out who I really am anymore. I know I am not the perfect wife and mom. (Maybe sometimes I try to be) But lately it feels like I am lost in my own world, stuck between being a mom & Dad to my girls with my hubby being deployed and trying to be a good wife to my husband while hes away. I will be honest, when we went straight into this deployment, I thought it can't be that hard. But honestly, its not even that its hard, its me realizing things I didn't know about myself and things I don't like or that are missing. So today I found myself venting to a person who I really shouldn't have, but I guess I really needed to. And when I actually thought about it, it probably was a big mistake. I don't trust many people, cause of my past, and yeah if that makes me childish well so be it. Thats just how it is. I seem to always be trying to impress someone, or please this person, always worried about what they think or trying to make their life better. But then when I step back and think about, the question that runs through my head constantly, WHO AM I? DO I REALLY KNOW. AND WHERE DO I FIT IN TIME TO REALLY GET TO KNOW MYSELF. I feel bitter at times, hateful sometimes, sad and depressed, lonely, and numb. Now don't get me wrong, I am always happy when I am with my girls and their smile or laughs could cheer me up any day. These are just other thoughts and feelings deep in me that I never really knew until now. I have always thought in the back of my mind, I need to really do something with myself in this life time. I still feel like that now. I love being able to stay home with my girls now and I feel very blessed that I can. But again something nudges at me saying, I should be doing more. Now what I do know about me now, is I am friendly, caring, talkative, active, loving, and have a big heart. And I know that I have always wanted to go to beauty school. Honestly when I went to college right out of high school, I did ok, but just never really could settle on a career that I liked, there for, was never interested in my classes I took, but I got by and did fine. I still to this day, don't know the perfect career for me, but hope to find out someday. I know I like to do crafts, type, read, do hair, interact with people, talk on the phone, decorate, play sports, and many more. But which of those will lead me in the right direction for the career of my dreams. I admire my husband very much. From when I met him, hes always talked about joining the Navy. When he went and signed up, honestly I was devastated. I didn't want him to leave me and the kids. So I got over it and realized this was it for him. He found his plan for life and he always says he did it for his family. Thats why I admire him. He is doing something he loves and following his dream. He is a good mechanic and has this dream of opening his own Auto Shop someday. Now whether that happens are not, or even if he decides to get out of the Navy, my thoughts are he will still have 5 years of military to put on that resume and it always looks good for a job. Plus the military pays for him to go to college and hes started that and is going for his Auto Mechanic Management degree. So you see, I admire him for stepping up and doing what he does and hope he knows that I appreciate it more then he knows. He knows how hard it was for me to move away from family and friends in MO. He knows how hard it is for me when he is gone now. And all I want to be able to tell him is that I can handle it. I do believe I can handle it, but I am in a stage of finding myself too. I use to be a person who could have fun and party with my friends. I will always love to dance and go out with my girlfriends. But lately, its like I don't know how to be around my friends. Grated, I spend alot of time with my girls and sometimes not alot of adult contact. We still try to get out and about and I have met some GREAT people. But I still struggle to know who I am now...There are so many things I want to do in the future, but its like more negative thoughts flood my head, even when I try to block them out with positive. Sometimes I wonder if its depression because my hubby is gone or just anger from my past. I just wasn't like this before. Or maybe I was and this deployment is really opening my eyes to things, I don't know. Well I do know I am a good person deep down, with lots to give and a big heart. I would do anything for anyone as long as they respect me. I just need to really find out who I am RIGHT NOW and focus on that, along with the crazy life I have as it is. Maybe one of these days I will find my way. I guess I am thankful for this deployment, cause it not only has brought Jeremy and I closer and made us realize that we shouldn't take anything for granted, but its also opened my eyes to things I see in me that I don't like and some that I do. I am realizing who I am and one day will know where I stand and what I want to do, but for right now, I am a stay home mom and a proud military wife. And I am happy with knowing that my hubby works very hard for me to be able to do this. So thanks hun. And thank you god for opening my eyes to things I probably wouldn't have, if it weren't for this deployment and time in my life.
1 comment:
I know how you feel about the yelling alot. It seems like I do that alot to. To me it seems like that's the only way I can get anyones attention around here. I understand the boys are little and they don't know any better, but when John comes home it seems like he don't listen either. I've always wanted to be a good mom, and a good wife, but the way things are I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes. Sometimes I just feel like I need a vacation, by myself, for a while. Also I know how you feel about not feeling close to your friends. It seems like I do that to. Specially when I'm at Amanda's. I feel out of place and like I don't belong there. Plus I don't feel as close to her, like a best friend should feel. I've had alot happen in my life. It seemed like after I got arrest back in 2001 my whole life flipped upside down. I lost myself and so much that year. Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and change it all, but sometimes ya just can't. I know I shouldn't beat myself up about something that happen so long ago, but I can't help but dwell on it. I always ask myself what would life be like if things didn't happen the way they did?? Who would I be, and where would I be?? It seems like people have forgotten, but I haven't. I hope someday I can make it all go away inside my mind. I guess that's God's punishment to make you remember all the mistakes ya make. Maybe its me thats punishing myself. Who knows??
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